On the trip:

 Jon, Glen, Ken, Renee, and two newbies- Fred and myself who should probably remain anonymous in the case that some one really reads this off the wall report. Let’s pretend that I am Janelle.

On the couch:

Brenda…after a Friday afternoon knee surgery…. so we thought.

Pre paddle warm up:

 We looked at the book Renee put together for the boat show. Nice job. Kayakers did a little extra warming up – for those of you who have ever put neoprene spray skirts over neoprene- you got the picture. The rest of you- spare yourselves the imagery. We also voted on something very important - we decided that Fred was the designated person to pick on for the trip.

Politically correct executive’s summary:

 The river was in good shape for a leisurely Saturday spring paddle. The river was running at about 1800-2000cfu -good enough to keep afloat without scraping bottom but not so pushy that the eddy lines almost disappear (darn it a little more water would have been ok).  Wouldda been a great day to surf and play the waves but by the time we got to the good surf spots- it was getting chilly (51F at the take out and rain). The enders, stern squirts and what ever the technical term for that kamikaze-surfin’ thing Glen does in a Discovery (17.4?) with a double-bladed canoe paddle- will have to wait for the warmer weather to arrive. Hard to believe that Jon did not have that hunter orange stocking cap flagging his position in the current. So much for the formal report.  

(Author’s side bar- does anyone know why the guys in the Northwoods actually think hunter orange is sexyK)

What really happened:

Gadget and gear update: As I was thinking about the folk-lore of Beaver dam and wondering where I could get a sticker saying: “Houston we have a problem…” to put on the underbelly of my squirt boat, Fred was getting a lesson in essential boating gear from the “masters”.  The first thing that Fred learned about was the value of an RFD. These were reported to be red and floppy, stick to canoe/kayaks/coolers and that as they were red and floppy it was recommended that you may not want to touch one, especially when it was cold out.   Hey that is from the “masters’ so it must be true. As it turns out – at least for the purpose that this is a family publication- that a RFD is Red Floppy  Device that can be purchased at your local outfitters-LEINENKUGELS. It ends up that a RFD is a can holding device that adheres to the boat and secures essential canned carbohydrate liquid supplement to your boat… or as Jon found out- to your paddle. Through extensive experimentation he postulated and proved that the device, when loaded with beverage,   anchors the paddle during almost extreme eddy turns and peel outs. Unfortunately, Glen did not believe in the new gadgetry and being from the old school he used one of those antique plastic can holders that hung off the side of his boat. To act as a counter weight, he secured a bottle of Boone’s Blue Hawaiian in that big honking vest pocket on his PFD (PFD- not RFD- this is a family publication remember). Wow- and here I thought that pocket was some weird compartment for first aid supplies or a really small rope bag .Darn amateurs, huh, Glen? So much for the gear and gadget report.

Editor’s note (also the author’s note as this is a low budget production). The references involving Blue Hawaiian did happen but any reference to alcohol presence and consumption is a tad bit exaggerated. There is a 50/50 chance that there will be a re-enactment of the moment by the PWP classic acting and dance troupe at the May monthly meeting). Otherwise- the author would not have stayed on the river and this report would have been a lot shorter.

On the river: play by play action report:

We got about 15 minutes into the paddle and little wind came up. Renee did not want that wind. Ken was smart enough to agree. We found out through the extensive underground really cold but fast-water river rat rumor mill,  that Brenda had little voodoo dolls (completely outfitted with little boats)  hidden under that couch so she must have put them in front of the fan.

It started to look like rain so Glen began some sort of chant to chase the rain away –so I thought. Jon said he was singing.   

We made it through the first few ripples and stopped to check out Wannigan’s rapids. OOOPS, first fatality. Brenda must have inverted the Glen doll as the Blue Hawaiian mysteriously slipped from Glen’s vest pocket and hit a rock below (yes he recovered all the pieces). Hmmmm, lost the wine- kept the hat. Bad choice Glen! We were all now frightened for the safety of the safety officer as he no longer had a counter sink and nobody had one to loan him. Besides if they did – who would loan it to him anyway? He did not take very good care of the first one.

Oh well, gotta cut the guy a break. Even though he cannot hold his wine- literally- that guy can paddle and he can teach “the river.”  

Of course, Ken and Renee were downstream to set up for a photo op.  Glen was the first one through Wannigan’s and reported the first fatality. Ummmmm Glen left out the details; they did not notice that there was no longer a neon blue bottle affixed to his chest, so they were waiting to catch one of us floating down the river without a boat. Ken- don’t you just hate it when you got the filming gear out, those creative juices are just a flowin’ and come to find out – you missed the action buddy?  

We all made it through  Wannigan’s through the next set of ripples and stopped at the fork (in the river not a big honkin' cattle trough) to eat whatever had survived in our dry bags. About that time Brenda must have thrown the voodoo dolls in the shower with the cold water turned on. Thank god for dry bags! They double as rain bonnets and only look half as stupid as that plastic accordion- fold up, tie under the chin gizmo that the banks gave out and our Grandmothers would actually wear.   

And, oh yeah- that pet eagle of Ken’s that keeps showing up in the videos- he showed up AGAIN!!!!! 

Cedar Dam went well, all the zillion Cedar pitches went smooth and Beaver dam- well …… Brenda figured that if she actually capsized a voodoo doll in the sink- her demonic plan would be obvious and we would catch on. … so everybody stayed right side up.  Actually, this was Fred’s first fast water excursion and he hit the tongue like a champ. My turn-whoa- that cold water in the face wakes you right up though (For those who skim flat-water and have the need for some sort of therapeutic imagery- imagine yourself out spring skiing- going down that shaded hill daydreaming about well whatever - hitting the sun exposed snow and FACEPLANT! There you have it.). Let me tell you ladies- growing old may not be that bad here in the Northwoods. Just think- as our body chemistry changes, we may be able to grow enough facial hair just like the fellas for occasions just like this!

At the take out, there was an enormous ice garden (not really but it was big).  Glen challenged how well it was set  was by poking it with his paddle before sizing it by standing up in his boat to confirm that it was higher than the extent of his paddle). Fred was assisting- kind of. Hint: Glen- next time if you are going to destroy the evidence, do it after the photo op. Anyway-the idea was that if the ice garden crashed down on Glen- it was not set well. I am not sure what Fred’s contribution was unless he was supposed to call Glen’s wife and tell her that Glen might be a little bit late getting off the river.   

We also saw two more boaters dragging their boats up the take out from h_ll (you all know that that is boater-speak for hill). Jon being the outgoing recruiter asked how the guys’ float went. One guy, after he caught his breath, reported to be a novice- was grinning (YOU KNOW THAT SH_T-as_ kind of grin) and said- “DRY”. He then turned to the guy, a reported seasoned paddler who was still coming up the hill and said – “ask him how his ride was”. We did not have to as he looked like a candidate for one of these commercials that advertise to problems with human plumbing and the product advertised has 2 syllables and rhymes with “bends”.  Let’s say- in this case- those marketing wizards may want to pirate the intellectual property commonly referred to as – SUPERSIZE. That guy was soggy! Brenda must have grabbed the wrong set of dolls after all. (Brenda, you may want to read the label on those pain killers next time. You got to stay alert girlfriend to get ahead of this crew of goofs).  

After the paddle: we went back to Jon’s, ate pizza with Brenda who appeared to still be healing from surgery laying on that couch all innocent like , and laughed at the videos of the rest of you from last year (just kidding’ but I learned never triple dog dare Glen anything). We also looked for those voodoo dolls but could not find them. At first we though the cat got them- but as nobody started screaming in agony- we decided that Brenda hid them – hid them REAL good.  

After the pizza- I went home- de-soggified my gear and wrote this report. After the report is published, if it is published- bet I never get assigned to write the wicked-out trip report again ;-).